50 Shades of Amsterdam + Haag


About a month ago, I was drinking coffee with my friend Matilda who plays the guitar in a girl pop/rock band Luminize. We haven’t seen each other for a year because two years ago she moved to The Hague and she is currently kicking ass with her band all around Netherlands and Europe. She invited me to Amsterdam to a promotion of their first album “All or nothing” which was supposed to be held on 16th of February in a popular club “Sugarfactory”. She said: “You just take care of the plane tickets, a place to stay and carry a lot of cash cause everything is expensive as shit over there and I’ll take care of everything else.:)” Naturally, I couldn’t have declined such a kind invite, but I still wondered:

“Dear God, have you invited me to travel to Amsterdam?”

GOD: “Yes, Joe. Actually, Matilda invited you, but I told her to do that.”

Who am I to oppose the Creator. I wouldn’t want to end up with Donald Trump after I die.

“Hello Croatia Airlines! God sent me to tell you I needed a return ticket to Amsterdam, business class.”

CA: “Unfortunately, the flight is full. We have only one more seat available in the economy class.” Even though I was very disappointed at first because I wouldn’t be able to enjoy nightingale cheeks and Dom Perignon, I soon realized this was a good sign. Only one place left just for me? I am that man. I have been chosen to travel on that plane. I smashed my piggy bank and bought a ticket to far but friendly Netherlands. Off I go through paths of cannabis.

I thought of that scene when Delboy, Rodney and Albert traveled to Amsterdam to smuggle some diamonds. They were careful about all the details so they traveled by boat in order to be as unnoticeable as possible. Albert skippered the boat even though his only experience was working in the boiler room. Del even practiced the language so that he would be able to say Hello! to the  citizens in fluent Dutch with – Ajax! Much like them, I was worried about being stopped by the police, but not because I was smuggling weed or diamonds. Namely, I had the ugliest fucking laptop case ever. I called my neighbor Ira to lent it to me because I was going on a trip. She said she had one, but it was a bit girly. I said if my laptop fits in it, it’s good. Good my ass! It looked like it was designed by Brüno. Perfect for a gay symposium or a wedding in the backyard of someones trailor. The case was so tacky that my childhood idol, Delboy, would surely love it. I told myself: “What’s good for my idol, must be good for me too.” I was fortunate enough not to have anyone opening my bag. (Bianka, forget seeing this bag, I know what you’re up to!).